Mark Twain's best

If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.

If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

I've never killed a man, but I've read many an obituary with a great deal of satisfaction.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.

It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.

Never let your schoolin' interfere with your education.

It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes time and annoys the pig.

In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination.

I have found solace in profanity unexcelled even by prayer.

I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices.

I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.

Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned.

There is something worse than ignorance, and that's knowing what ain't so.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.